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you dont have to call me 'darlin', darlin - Perfect Imperfection
May 2009
 
 
 
 
 
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Wed, May. 20th, 2009 01:33 am
you dont have to call me 'darlin', darlin

so where the fuck do i begin this newest post with? i guess an update: that dumb cunt that i warned myself against has come and gone, whilst i still sti here and ponder loves past. im still enthralled with girls of younger age, but again i cant have any. and its not because i dont want it, its because they dont want it. i have become an overweight, overaged, overtly-drunk 23 year old, and to be quite frank, theres nothing i really want to do about it. im about to end the chapter of my college days, and i could care less. i could die tomorrow, and not really care. seriously, i have nothing to show for. i tried earlier today to search for the old 'ask decoy' columns that i did in high school, the ones that i was so clever in, the ones that i felt i made a difference in some peoples lives in. yes, that was a joke. so i sit here now in my parents house, loudly banging away at these keys, sure enough to wake up someone who lives here, and i think to myself... why? why anything? why everything? why do i give myself away to all these people at the first sign of interest? why do i allow myself to be sucked into these fantasy lives? im genuinely scared of the future. any postponement to the future would be just fantastic. but i know thats a false reality. i have these dillusions of grandur, that im something that im not, that im actually something that im supposed to be, that i was at one point. and carrying this baggage throughout every descision i make has made it a very taxing 5 years. scroll down, read the first posts, when i was in good standings with myself and my parents. i had the outlook of a harvard-bound kid. now, i got nothing. my future holds not golden eggs, no brass rings.

and thats it... no resolution, no me turning inward... it just doesnt work... deal with it. ive made my peace, you should as well. i guess this is it for this chapter, last curtain, i wont be back around again...

-decoy-

Current Mood: crappy crappy
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - We've Had Enough

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