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Perfect Imperfection
May 2009
 
 
 
 
 
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Wed, May. 20th, 2009 01:33 am

so where the fuck do i begin this newest post with? i guess an update: that dumb cunt that i warned myself against has come and gone, whilst i still sti here and ponder loves past. im still enthralled with girls of younger age, but again i cant have any. and its not because i dont want it, its because they dont want it. i have become an overweight, overaged, overtly-drunk 23 year old, and to be quite frank, theres nothing i really want to do about it. im about to end the chapter of my college days, and i could care less. i could die tomorrow, and not really care. seriously, i have nothing to show for. i tried earlier today to search for the old 'ask decoy' columns that i did in high school, the ones that i was so clever in, the ones that i felt i made a difference in some peoples lives in. yes, that was a joke. so i sit here now in my parents house, loudly banging away at these keys, sure enough to wake up someone who lives here, and i think to myself... why? why anything? why everything? why do i give myself away to all these people at the first sign of interest? why do i allow myself to be sucked into these fantasy lives? im genuinely scared of the future. any postponement to the future would be just fantastic. but i know thats a false reality. i have these dillusions of grandur, that im something that im not, that im actually something that im supposed to be, that i was at one point. and carrying this baggage throughout every descision i make has made it a very taxing 5 years. scroll down, read the first posts, when i was in good standings with myself and my parents. i had the outlook of a harvard-bound kid. now, i got nothing. my future holds not golden eggs, no brass rings.

and thats it... no resolution, no me turning inward... it just doesnt work... deal with it. ive made my peace, you should as well. i guess this is it for this chapter, last curtain, i wont be back around again...

-decoy-

Current Mood: crappy crappy
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - We've Had Enough

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Wed, Jan. 9th, 2008 03:51 am

so here i sit in my room, nearly 4 in the morning. and what does young decoy have on his mind tonight? oh, the shit that is going on in my fucking head, you have no idea. my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life thus far, wants jack shit to do with me, the whore at my disposal want jack shit to do with me, but apparently my friends' girlfriends want a lot of shit to do with me. FUCK THIS. this is not what i signed up for. you want to know what i fucking want right now??? i want to be fucking left alone... no girls, no drama, no heart involvement. god i need some fucking closure... just something, to make me feel like everything was worth it... just one sign. or someone to fuck. i need to get laid. and pot. first ill get some pot, then pussy. then, maybe just then, this little decoy will be happy. fuck off

-decoy- 

Current Mood: cranky cranky
Current Music: Coheed and Cambria - Devil in New Jersey

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Fri, Dec. 28th, 2007 04:13 pm

i try to read through my old posts but i dont know what i was talking about half the time. but i do put it quite eloquently, i must say. its weird that i dont talk to jordan or marion anymore, i think. i dont know. anyways, i had quite an interesting night last night... well the past few nights. so i think it was wednesday night that natalie starts texting me again because i guess her and her boy were having problems and shes trying to set me up for the rebound. then she just blows me up with texts, from colorado mind you, just non stop. then yesterday, while im hungover from being with kieth and some old st thomas boys at the bar all night, she starts texting me again, talking about old times that i quite honestly dont remember. and this goes on regularly all day and culminates last night before me and chris were heading out to morgan and kieths party with her telling me her bf just dumped her. great, just fucking great. i told her things that i wish i hadnt... now im sucked in there and theres pretty much nothing i can do. which isnt all bad, i just feel like im too into her or too trusting of this girl or something and im gonna get played or burned again i dont know. and as if that wasnt enough girl bullshit, that girl sarah who is a huge whore is clinging to me like money on a jew. she wants to come down 2 days after i go back to san marcos and stay with me for like 2 weeks or something... no way sir, no way. especially not now. especially when raini tells me shes coming to texas for a week in january, that week being the 3rd through the 10th. i have to see her this time, ill quit work to see her if i have to. i love that girl. and then theres sheridan, who i dont even know if shes gonna be another whorey player when the semester starts again... its just like i predicted for myself when i was a freshman, just coming a few years later. anyways, i think im gonna go get some food. god i love sean bateman. you know you do too.

-decoy-


Current Music: AFI - This Secret Ninja

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Thu, Dec. 27th, 2007 05:08 pm

so its been like a month since i posted last. yeah ive been dominating at everything. grades, girls, life in general. its fun when you just say fuck it and do whatever the hell you want. i really dont have a post to write about other than that ive been drinking heavily a lot lately... dangerous. enjoy yourselves bitches.

-decoy- 

Current Mood: flirty flirty
Current Music: The White Stripes - Black Math

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Tue, Nov. 27th, 2007 02:15 am

haha, its been 132 weeks since my last post. wow, how time flies. so lets see, the last time i posted i was completely enthralled with raini, things were bright, my world seemed to be different. god how the fate has a sick fuckin sense of humor. so now im pulled between every girl that talks to me. why did this shit happen to me? she says its because i wasnt interested enough, that i wasnt romantic enough. and she still has the balls to say "i love you" every time we talk. what the fuck am i supposed to believe. i left my old self behind, changed myself completely. but lately, more and more of my old asshole badass self is coming out, and people are starting to recognize. the only difference between now and four years ago is that i actually care. there are so many girls i see that would benefit tremendously from my influence, but none are willing to take it. i feel so frustrated. here i love a girl who lives thousands of miles away and i still try and foster relationships with girls who are at least 3 years younger than me. what the fuck am i doing? i did this shit in high school because it was still okay. now i just feel like a creep. i watch my friends get wasted and take advantage of these girls... what am i supposed to do? if i were that drunk... would i? i hope not.. god i pray not. im just so sick and tired of trying to play the game. i just want my baby back... but that will never ever fucking happen... nothing will ever be the same as it was... and thast what fucking pisses me off. i just want to freeze time and enjoy shit for once. but the mark of me having a good time is me being able to do mind-altering drugs... and quite honestly, i cant do them... i know ill freak. and for that to be affecting me is very unsettling. FUCK GIRLS. fuck everything about them. if they didnt have the necessary parts i wouldnt even bother with them. but what am i supposed to do now? now that i dont have anyone to share secrets with, anyone to just curl up with, anyone to love? i guess i have cole, and thats good enough for me... at least i know where his loyalties lie, and he cant ever leave me.

fuck this, i might as well be an emo kid...

no, fuck it, i wont do it. i wont let them get me down. none of them... raini, caitlin, natalie... any of them. they dont own me... the only person who owns me is decoy, and its about time that i let that shit take me over again. fuck being nice to people, fuck morals, fuck ethics... yep, thats right, its back after so long... this is the dawning of the age of decoy... fucking deal with it bitches.

-decoy-


Current Mood: pissed off pissed off
Current Music: At the Drive-In - Relationship of Command

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Fri, May. 13th, 2005 04:01 am

hello lj, hello world. i dont have much to say... its pretty fucking late/early and im supposed to be job hunting later on today. its wierd to write in here again, so many memories stir... its like my own personal yearbook where all of the pictures are of me and my friends instead of just the lame yearbook kids' friends. fuck this ill post when the suns up

-billy-

Current Mood: awake awake
Current Music: BJM - Not If You Were the Last Dandy on Earth

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Sun, Dec. 26th, 2004 11:47 pm

just thought id throw up a couple of pics that i have up on the facebook but not on here... enjoy


this was me at the sights and sounds in the park at my school... no smoking


this is the collage i made for the fraternity that me and a couple of my brothers started thats based on strict hazing. its not true but man would that make an awesome rush poster...

well thats it, i thought one of the 0 people who read this would get a kick out of it. comment at your leisure.

-billy-

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful
Current Music: Bright Eyes - The Calender Hung Itself

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Sun, Dec. 26th, 2004 11:19 pm

heres a comment i just posted in david's lj in regard to one of my worst decisions:

jesus christ i used to be very immature... "look at me, im billy, i use big words to make other people look dumb! worship me for the god that i am!!"... how lame is that. i have people who tell me that my "serve" up there ^^ is something major, something huge, but i read it now and i think how retarded it was to write that... how pointless it was for me to jump in an arguement over something i really should have left to the people involved... i ruined one of my best friendships, said a lot of childish things, and probably made a bigger ass out of myself than needed be. lord almighty how insignificant this all would have been if i had just left it alone... and now, having invoked god's names, ill end my comment. well, not after invoking it for the third time:

-billy-

kidding, im just kidding... im not really god

---------------------

thats my entry. its true. apparently a lot can change in 4 months. half of what i say in there isnt even true anymore. hell id hate to think of life without raini right now. but theres nothing i can do to reverse what happened. the only thing i can do now is show how much ive changed. id like to think the billy that made that post was the one of the last actions of "high school billy," which would make the current me "college billy" i assume? i dont know. id like to think that im growing up being away from home, finding myself as it were. i try to be less "asshole-like," but its so engraved in me its hard to do. but im doing better.

anyways today david, matty g, and i went to the galleria and the guys helped me build a bear for raini. its super cute, and super expensive. but shes worth it. david went out to eat with his mom tonight because shes going out of town tomorrow, so we had to cut our night together short. that kinda sounds gay... anyways so im here at home messing with my ipod or something and david calls me and says that kevin called him and wants to take him to the house of pies tomorrow night, and that i should come too. i dont know whats going to come from this, but i hope good does. in the spirit of the holidays ill be buying a sack tomorrow for hopefully some good times. we'll see. thats really all i got, so i guess ill head it out

-billy-

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Radiohead - OK Computer

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Fri, Nov. 26th, 2004 02:06 am

a lots happened since september. i fell in love with the perfect girl, raini. shes 20, a drama major, a hooters girl, and probably the most tolerant and understanding person i know. phi psi pledgeship is over and come january ill be a full-fledged brother. until then im in limbo, kinda a "quasi-brother". my truck got side-swiped in a parking lot at school and its gonna cost like $1000 to fix it. i ran out of money completely so it sucks and i have to work over christmas break. my roommate has already failed out of college and come spring ill have the room to myself. and thats basically the overview.

currently im trying to figure out a way to kevin to stop hating me. i guess ill have to do the right thing and apologize so our mutual friends wont feel awkward.

but all in all life is good. im so happy right now its unbelieveable. my girlfriend is just... undescribable. its scarey how much i like her. she was one of the girls that i met early in the semester that people told me "she doesnt date freshmen" "she doesnt date smokers" "she wont date another phi psi" and she seemed unattainable. but she didnt get hung up on all that and im so thankful for that. its just great, really really great. my brothers are also really awesome now that pledgeship is over. without them i wouldve never been able to make it back to houston, what with me not having any money. and for anyone who wonders about greek life, its definitely a good thing. i mean i went into texas state adamently against fraternities but obviously thats changed. chalk it up to the brotherhood from st thomas or just them being able to rush very well, but it feels right for me. right now im trying to convince somebody to live with me and raini next semester. i need someone who wont get freaked out easily by pda or other public sexual things. anyways its late and i gotta get

-billy-

Current Mood: happy happy
Current Music: Coheed & Cambria Unplugged

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Sat, Sep. 25th, 2004 03:03 am

its about 3 in the morning, and i just got home from san marcos. i needed to get away to clear my head. the past week has been hectic. pledge induction for phi kappa psi were last sunday and our tests have been non-stop. my pledge brothers have been adding extra stress to my papers and tests this week and ive just been emotionally drained. we're not supposed to drink or be alone for 8 weeks. insane. major change for me, i dont even want to party now. oh well, its really late and i am craving my queen.

-billy-

Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music: The Office - Season 2

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